by Philip Ruddy, LMFT, Depth Psychotherapist

The holiday season often invites us into the warm glow of family gatherings, shared meals, and cherished traditions. Yet, for many, this time of year can also be fraught with stress, emotional overload, and a sense of obligation that pulls us in a dozen directions at once. How can we honor our connections with family while maintaining a sense of self and protecting our emotional well-being? The answer lies in cultivating healthy boundaries.

Boundaries, though often misunderstood, are not about creating distance or building walls. Rather, they are about fostering clarity and mutual respect in relationships. In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab writes: “Healthy boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships. Without them, resentment grows, communication breaks down, and the holiday joy we seek can feel painfully out of reach.” Boundaries, then, are not a rejection of family but an invitation to connect in a way that honors everyone’s needs, including your own.

Carl Jung, the renowned psychologist, spoke often about the importance of individuation—the process of becoming whole and distinct as an individual. Jung believed that healthy relationships require us to stand firmly in our own identity while maintaining a respectful connection with others. Setting boundaries is an integral part of this process, as it allows us to honor our inner selves while engaging meaningfully with loved ones. Without such boundaries, we risk losing ourselves in the expectations or demands of others, which can leave us feeling drained or resentful.

The first step in setting boundaries is self-reflection. What are your emotional, physical, and mental limits? What situations or conversations drain your energy or leave you feeling overwhelmed? The holidays often bring up complex family dynamics, unresolved tensions, or differing expectations. Being clear about your own limits allows you to navigate these interactions with greater ease.

Consider, for instance, the perennial question of how to divide your time. Perhaps your parents expect you to spend the entire day at their house, but you also want to create space for your immediate family or some much-needed solitude. A clear, kind response might sound like: “We’re looking forward to spending time with you on Thanksgiving, but we’ll be leaving after dinner to have some quiet time at home.” While such conversations can feel awkward at first, they pave the way for more honest, authentic relationships.

Similarly, emotional boundaries are essential when dealing with family members who may push sensitive topics or overstep personal lines. Aunt Sue’s questions about your love life or Uncle Mike’s unsolicited political rants don’t have to derail your inner peace. You might gently redirect the conversation, saying, “I’d rather not discuss that right now, but I’d love to hear about your new project instead.” Remember, it’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s emotions—your role is to communicate your needs with kindness and firmness.

For some, however, maintaining safe and healthy boundaries may mean making the difficult but necessary decision to go “no contact” with certain family members. While this choice is deeply personal and not made lightly, it can be a vital step in protecting one’s mental and emotional health. If this resonates for you, know that your decision is valid and worthy of support. Creating distance—whether temporary or permanent—can be an act of profound self-care and a path toward healing.

Creating boundaries is not just an act of self-preservation; it’s also a gift to others. By being clear about what you can and cannot offer, you allow your family to engage with the real you, not an exhausted or resentful version of yourself. This transparency fosters trust and deepens connections over time.

The imagery of boundaries as a garden wall can be particularly helpful. A well-maintained wall defines the space you need to flourish, while its gate allows for intentional, meaningful connection. The wall isn’t impenetrable, nor is it absent—it exists to nurture and protect.

And as with all gardens, tending to boundaries requires care, patience, and sometimes adjustment. The holidays, in particular, are a time when our boundaries may be tested. But rather than seeing these challenges as failures, we can view them as opportunities to refine our practice.

As you gather around the Thanksgiving table or exchange gifts in the glow of twinkling lights, remember this: setting boundaries is not a rejection of love, but an affirmation of it. It’s a way of saying, “I care about us enough to be honest about what I need.” And in the sacred space created by those boundaries, both you and your relationships can truly thrive.

Special Notice: If navigating family dynamics over the holidays feels particularly overwhelming, consider seeking the support of a therapist or counselor. They can help you clarify your needs, practice boundary-setting strategies, and explore any deeper emotions that may arise.

Resources:
Tawwab, Nedra Glover. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee, 2021.

Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan, 1992.

Jung, Carl. The Essential Jung: Selected Writings. Princeton University Press, 1983.

• Philip Ruddy, LMFT #107495, Depth Psychotherapist (424) 354-3910 tel •